Relics of the Past

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“And you. Who are you? Who is it that I am writing for? . . .Or are you perhaps someone who inhabits my own halls long after I am dead?” (Clarke 12)

I started reading Piranesi recently, excellent and intriguing book so far. Coming back to write this finally, and . . . I've had to dnf this book, not because it was bad. No. By no means was this a bad read. However, it seems as though it caught me in the middle of a terrible terrible reading slump. Do no fret, I will be coming back to it. Anyway, enough meandering. The quote above still echoes within me. Especially now when I'm in a period of questioning myself, my wants, my goals. I think this came about after finding out my younger cousin was pregnant. Since then, i've been in a spiral about what it is that I want to show the world. What it is that I want to be known by and for. I don't want to just be someone's something. I want to be me. I want a life that I feel I have given my all. I want to be successful, and I want to feel accomplished. I want to finally reach that yearning that lies so deep within me that I've barely scratched the surface of. I burn for it. I can taste it on my tongue. To quell such desire is my goal in life. To find that serenity that can only come from having indented myself within the world.

I feel as if I've drifted a bit from the initial reading I had of this excerpt. But, that's what I want! Everything builds on everything, much as the quote itself sort of implies. But anyway, to my metaphorical or physical reader, I hope this passage and my rant has sparked the need to understand that thrist that thrives in all of us. That need to define ourselves within the world if you do. I don't write for you, though it is much appreciated that I can have an audience ---real or fake--- that can witness my overthinking. Perhaps I have spilled too much of myself and my passions. But is that not what writing is for? Perhaps this is for future me. Future Claudia. We have so much to share, to create, to strive for.

Creativity, Creation, Creator

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"...people confuse themselves into thinking their artists just because they're around other creative people. You need hobbies. You need to be doing thingsthat aren't just talking about art." —— Hudson Williams for Wonderland GQ

I caught wind of this quote funnily enough while engaging with the Heated Rivalry fandom on twitter, arguably doing the exact thing he talks about in the quote above, but we'll forgive that for now because atleast the fandom doomscroll ended up calling me out, and to some degrees made me quetion myself as a creator and what creativity means to me as one. I've had a long writing journey dating back to my elementary school days. And, looking back, I reckon that those were the days that my writing was truly authentic despite being terrible and definitely copied from my favorite series at the time.

I question myself now. Why is that? Why do I feel inadequate and even bored with writing? Where is my spark? If there's one thing for certain I have a deep devotion to writing and fiction in of themselves, but for the act? I tried my luck on writingtwt, writersgram, writersontumblr, etc., And for a moment it worked. Being around other people that also had this passion for creating. But then, at a certain point it became fitting in, trying to join writing cliques, assimilating myself into the culture in those spaces, participating in questpits and trivial questions for characters. It became having something to tell other people instead of something I'm actually doing. Hell, it became attempting a farce at working on my craft. I struggle to sit down and just write if it isn't to prove to others that I'm creative. However, I can sit fr hours consuming fanfiction, film, books, music, without doing something with it or taking time to engage with my own creativity.

I read this substack piece a couple days ago that greatly ties into Hudson's declaration. It followed this writer and how around 2020 she began working on her novel. She talked a lot about how she wrote when she thought she had inspiration or motivation yet she spent most of her time on social media, leading to a much slower if not in consistent writing routine and process. It wasn't until she observed her partner, who also engaged with writing and was completing their own novel at the time, that she realized what she was doing, or in better words not doing. While her partner wrote almost everyday, jotted down any notes they had, even staying up some nights in bed to complete their story, she was attempting to appear the same.

"I was putting together the pieces. I could keep working on the novel I deeply cared about, but that path was slow, long, and very private. Or I could turn my attention toward short stories and get a couple publications." —— Lindsey Petersburg for Dear Diary on Substack

"They didn't get caught up in looking like a writer. They just wrote." —— Lindsey Petersburg for Dear Diary on Substack

I take all of these quotes and experiences in. I revel in them. I envy them and I appreciate them. They call me out, they make me feel like a failure, or worse, a poser. They make me question myself, the creator in me, the desire. As much as I want to push all these thoughts out, as much as I'm frusrated to admit that I am putting on a performance for applause and validation from others rather than myself, I can't help but to acknowledge them and attempt to discipline myself. That sounds a bit harsh. Perhaps explore? But, I've done rhat already and at this point, it's become an excuse to be complacent. To procrastinate. To doubt. I don't want to look like a writer, I want to be a writer.

Commonplace Journals

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I learned about the concept of commonplace journals during my 2nd year in undergrad. My professor at the time wanted the class to keep records of the readings and assignments we had during the semester and create a space where we could develop our thoughts and ideas on these things. That's the jist of a commonplace journal. It's where you can engage with art, thought, projects, etc., for future learning. It's supposed to help you build and retain knowledge. Unlike blogging or writing in a diary, a commonplace journal allows for a congregation of sorts for the collected artifacts and personal insights of the writer.

The commonplace journal can be organized yet doesn't have to be. It doesn't even have to be linear. It's simply to obtain knowledge that can influence you in creative, external, and internal ways. The end goal of a commonplace journal is to invite intellectuality and expressing ones thoughts away from judgement or other limitations. Though, that doesn't mean that you can't stretch the bounds of it in certain ways. Sometimes you might lean a bit more into the personal yet still connecting that to the artifact that interested you. This way of analoging was one I found to be very helpful in developing myself as a writer and finding my own intellectual voice that I had either shied away from or lost in the current landscape of understanding media and critical thought. So with that, welcome to my digital commonplace.

To learn more about commonplace journals, visit: Forte Labs Mrs. Blackwell's Village Bookshop