New Beginnings?

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So, I made it the four years. I got the degree. What next? I'm a 22 year old fresh out of college graduate. I'm left with burn out and a head full of high educational skills and a promising return to my university with their graduate program. However, I decided to take a gap year. I decided to skip immediately jumping into education again, that, mind you, I've been in since I was a child.

While I have a dream and goal for myself, where I am now in the present I'm not sure what I want to do except use the time that I've given myself to get my life together. For context, I'm not only coming off of a recent graduation. I'm also emerging from a terrible and devastating bout of anxiety and agoraphobia induced by the untimely death of my father during one of my hardest semesters in college.

In all honesty, I'm just now feeling like myself again. I just now gotten over my fear of life and worry of graduating and now I have all this time to build myself back up. But, the idea of a gap year, the phrase turns a lot of people off or insinuates a failure of not immediately pursuing a career. And while that is true for many, I feel as though this thought process ends up fucking over many people in the process. Graduate school, immediate employment, etc, is instilled onto us for many reasons, which I completely understand.

But the people that go against that grain shouldn't be seen as failures or lazy for focusing on being a functioning human given the privledge and chance to. I mean, I can barely get the motivation to get up in the morning and take care of my teeth following my mental health recovery. I have a long way before I think I can consider myself a person with motivation to do things, to live life. That doesn't mean I don't have goals or desires or plans. But, it means I know myself and want better for myself so I can grow into someone I can be proud of outside of my value in the workforce or education system. Trust me, I've come to this understanding in high school after being an overachiever and experiencing the detriment of placing these taxing things on yourself for approval and struggling underneath. Not again. Not after beginning to build a healthier self.

Am I Writing Again?

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For the first time in about 4-5 months I've had the urge to start writing again. I felt that spark again, and a whole whirlwind of emotion accompanied that. Now I'm no stranger to that feeling of falling inlove again with a passion or hobby and quickly burnout from it.

However, writing is one I find myself coming back to every time yet I prematurely over light it--splashing too much gasoline onto a simple kindle. I overwhelm it too much without letting it breathe and organically spread. I just get so excited to see that story in my head come into fruition. But that leads to burnout, second-guessing, and imposter syndrome. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. I want things to be different this time. I want to tell this story. I want to be able to write this story. I don't want to blow out the fire before its had time to catch.

So, I guess the question I want to ask myself is am I actually ready to write? Or am I ready to reenter the world I created to rework--refigure everything from a new perspective? Right now, I have sparks of character relationships and significance to the story but nothing else. it's a slow start but I'm happy to see where this journey goes this time.

What are Hobbies If not failing?

A little bit ago, I wrote about finding my passion for writing again, and how I wanted to slowly reintroduce myself into it and not burn myself out again.

Since then, I've pretty much have realized so much more about my habits as a writer and basically what it means to have a creative hobby, or a hobby in general. It's not something you can rush obviously, but it's a cultivation and something that someone has to get good at. It's hard to accept that you aren't and mostly likely won't excel at something quickly if even at all. It's even worse when you compare yourself to someone who has somewhat mastered their craft or simply are quicker to learn things. I think the year break that I took from writing was exactly what I needed to fully understand what I want to accomplish and what it takes to do that. I can't get to level 100 of grammatical understanding or narrative twists if I haven't actually enjoyed the hobby. In my bursts of writing I used to always see the whole “you don't have to write short stories to be a writer” or these aren't necessary to being a writer, and back then I loved that because it made my dreams feel more attainable but it also loses the fact that yeah anyone can be a writer without practice but does that make a good writer?

I don't want to be a writer. I want to be a great writer for my words, my stories, the character journeys, my storytelling. I don't want mediocrity when I know I've got a high bar I want to fulfill and obtain, but that bar comes with work. I think that advice is a load of shit tbh. As writers writing should be a hobby and a hobby is something that you do its not simply long fiction or creating mood bards or planning out things its actually playing with words and form exploring genres. I think I finally understand my creative writing professor pushing for us to submit to lit mags. With reading and writing, learning to break down a novel and writing short fiction is a skill to learn. Hobbies are supposed to teach you skills, and that takes time. Perhaps the pressures of immediate fixes in our new age has completely shut out the patience that accompanies this process. I remember discussing with my professor about this before.

Time is a currency that you have to bargain for. With the urge to quickly output things in fear of being left behind or fading out, how can anyone want to possibly fail? I think im going to start sharing my short stories I'll write here some of them anyway. Even if they're rough I think it wouldn't hurt to just write. Might come back to this though.

Imposter

Prompt: Write about a work in progress:

Black and white reflected back to the tawny brown face with a deep scowl.

The dreadful document stared blankly---unfazed at the frustration of its user. It taunted her as her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to type. This wasn't how Marie wanted it to be. It wasn't right. Nothing was right. She looked closer at the paragraph, hoping to make sense of what she just wrote. But every word became black blobs---nothing to make sense of. The syntax was off, grammar was no where to be found, and even worse, the picture in her head that she had been imagining seemed to pale in comparison to the nonsense she was staring at. “This…is terrible,” her voice broke.

There was no possible way she could show her professor this, let alone have to read it aloud in front of others. Her mind rattled at that thought. Her thoughts now spiraled, picturing the humiliation of her shitty words and her lack of storytelling. Suddenly, her stomach dropped at the realization that her phoniness would come to light. She was inadequate---a fake! The taste of copper had filled her mouth, momentarily distracting her from her spiral. She had been clenching her jaw again. She sighed as she went to the bathroom. Her reflection gazed back at her. Sorrow marred its eyes and a downward arch curved its mouth. The torment of her writing session had fully corroded her once again. Tears brimmed her eyes. The visual of her self became a blurry silhouette that she could no longer make out.

[Not Finished]

What is Plot? What is Storytelling?

To preface this, I think a lot of us writers misunderstand plot and, in turn, misrepresent or miss the act of storytelling. That's not to say that that makes us bad writers. Not at all. But, I think for those of us just starting out---that want to tell the stories in our heads don't realize that all these aspects that create a novel occur for a reason. I'm foregoing my personal thoughts on Mazin as a screenwriter or atleast on certain shows. But, I'm glad I was able to find this video through a lovely reddit thread speaking about the honest hardships of moving past the initial idea of writing. I think this video was able to convey the actual process that lays at the grit of writing that, for the most part, gets overshadowed by charts, character profiles, vibes, aesthetics, etc. Mazin, in this discussion, unveils that behind these structures and plot points are 1. our power as the author---the progenitor of these characters and worlds--- are in active conversation with the central theme and character, and 2. storybeats don't happen because they have to. They happen because the character's journey through change reflects these beats. To some, this may be obvious. But as someone who has never written a novel in their life and doesn't know where to start it's not known. Hell, every webpage or youtube video about starting your novel only emphasizes these plot structures and story beats. They stress how to avoid not writing is to simply follow these structures as if they're a rule. But, that begs the question how the hell do I even think about getting to these points?

There was one point in the video where Mazin says that at the helm of your story is your character and their interaction and reaction to the central theme that occurs from the story's beginning. A character's fear, desire, and wants affect the presentation of a theme. This brought me back to Toni Morrison, one of my all time favorite writers, storyteller, and folklorist. With each one of her novels, at the head or opening chapter, she presented a central thematic question that was constantly interacted with. This is prevalent with her works like Song of Solomon and The Bluest Eye. Now while there won't be a question explicitly stated, it'll echo in the puzzling and surrealist openings. This is what exactly Mazin conveys in his discussion. In order to navigate through a story, you must understand the reason for its existence.

Also, Mazin brings up another interesting thing to keep note of. When talking about themes, particularly central themes, it shouldn't be vague or sparse. But rather, it should showcase an argument for something because how else will your character push back against it?

My Current Work in Progress

This is a story I'm excited to create. It's something that has been brewing for a long time and has transformed into something way different then what I started with. I think as I've become more ingrained with writing and understanding what I want to talk about. In many ways, this story is something that I have to write as my first one. It's a narrative that I need to see come to fruition.

I want this entry to be a reflective piece as well as an accountability account to actually finish this novel. In the time i've spent in the planning and brainstorming stage, I've learned different ways to make the writing process fun and exciting without getting bored or letting my inner critique sh me away from achieving a new feat. I've even employed my new coding skills to shake up the character creation and prewriting process. I will also say that I've never felt so close to my characters as I do this story. I'm s excited to see them come alive.

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

I'm having trouble quitting social media. Yes, I hate the monotonous and stifling era of social media. Nothing is fun. It's a cesspool of drama, propaganda, every ism you can possibly think of, and lack of empathy. But I can't separate myself from it in fear that I might miss something, or worse, I'll lose the one thing that might've made me interesting. Hell, I told myself to delete all my social media apps and I literally had to bargain with myself as if I was an addict struggling to let go of a drug. It made me realize that I'm addicted. I'm addicted to social media, even the apps that I don't even use. I'm reliant on it to shape my personality, so it's packageable to others for validation. It took me a whole day to decide to finally delete instagram and I didn't even disable my account incase I wanted to come back? It's ridiculous. And twitter and Tik Tok are even worse. I spiraled into thinking of all these excuses like about when I need creativity or become out of the know or even worse become bored and boring? Reflecting on this has been both horrifying and enlightening because the codependency has gotten so detrimental. I remember the days of the early social media boom with insta and snapchat and kik which I wasn't apart of until my freshman year of high school as I didn't have social media or an iPhone at the time. A friend at the time had to help me navigate instagram and snapchat.

Before that I would watch tv, draw, play video games, write. But now I can't even move my attention away from my phone for a movie or to focus. I can feel my brain physically rewire itself and it scares me. But what scares me even more is how I used it as a shield for so long to cover my eccentricity's, my interests that others might not care for or to fabricate a personality that's digestable. I used to be okay being bored. Finding something to do.

But now if im bored and in a numb state and needing of a quick shot of dopamine, i'll quickly pick up my phone and scroll all day until the night, and repeat it over and over and over again. I want my old self back. I feel like a ghost of a person, a ghost of who I truly am. Who am I? I'm not a human being. I'm an algorithm---a conglomeration of likes and views. I want my creativity. I want my boredom---my hobbies---my life! Free me! Let me set myself free! How can I say I'm for a free internet when I'm still stuck in the maze of capitalistic hell? I can't become what I want if I don't try.

IWANTMYMEMORIESBACK

I want my memories back---physically I mean. A couple months ago, I found my mother's old senior year photobook. It was so cool to see how everything was different back then in the 90s. I mean a freaking movie ticket was like 5 bucks!?! And gas was only 1! Anyway, what I mean by all this is that I remember how we used to collect photos of our life and create photo albums to pass around during the holidays or with friends. Since when did we stop creating photobooks? I love looking at my parents wedding book, being able to remember how my dad looked. I loved seeing my mother as a little girl as someone outside of being my mother. I love looking at the past, the memories, the nostalgia. I'm tired of paying for storage on my phone when I could lose access to all of it in a single second. That's it. I've decided to make one!

Finding My Style

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About a week or two ago, I had a major meltdown. Like full on crying, blubbering and panicking about still living with my family, not having a job, being a failure, not knowing what I wanted, the whole shebang. And like, I've had these before, but this time it felt real, the effects of second-guessing myself, being unsure and not confident. The one phrase from that breakdown that is still sticking with me is when I said that I don't know myself. I don't know what I want or what I like. Of course, I have things that I enjoy like books, movies, music, clothes, and hobbies. But, if you were to ask me anything of substance about these things, I wouldn't truly be able to tell you aside from the fact that these things make me feel interesting to others. I don't know who I am outside of my social performance and expectations. It's taken me a long time to fully acknowledge it, and I think I had to fully develop my brain before I could fully understand what this entailed, but now I can look back at myself and see that along the way I've compartmentalized myself to feel validated, but when those people are gone what's left is nothing but a hollow shell—a lost soul.

However, after coming to this realization. I decided to make a change and to not pity myself into further compartmentalization. Instead, I decided to change some things about my appearances, like wearing nail polish, getting new piercings, and trying different styles of jewelry that I normally wouldn't do at all. This past week I've learned that I love jewel tone wine-ish purple nail colors and that I love homemade & vintage jewelry. I've learned that I favor silver jewelry over gold but I don't majorly dislike it. Outside of physical experiments, I've challenged myself to explore more hobbies and pastimes. I like doing research like reading analysis and essays in my personal time. I also like playing chess and doing online crossword puzzles though I'm not the best of them. And I find working out enjoyable. Anyways, I say all of this because I want to figure myself out. I'm 22 years old and I've pitied myself for years but now I have the power to customize myself and explore things and truly not give a fuck about others opinions (though that will always be a hurdle to work on). Also I've decided to put this whole thing into my style section because to me style isn't limited to fashion, it entails almost anything that affects you over the course of your life.

My Trinkets

Just some simple things that I've gotten over the past few weeks after discovering some things I like.